In America today, there is an epidemic of adult children disowning their parents. In nearly all cases, the decision is a result of listening to therapists or friends who suggest that the parents are unsafe or toxic or who go even further, suggesting the parents were neglectful or emotionally abusive. The solution in all these cases is to abandon the relationship. These adult children feel they were owed something they did not receive. They were entitled to parents who met all their unrealistic expectations. Their lives were not perfect, they were not happy and somebody has to take the blame. If you are one of these adult children, this message is for you:
Your parents are not the ideal parents that you wanted. You believe you deserved so much better. They didn’t understand you and they didn’t value you in the way you wanted to be valued. You probably think they were mean for not letting you buy the expensive brand name jeans and polo shirts that were popular in your day. Maybe they pointed out your mistakes or told you how you were “doing it all wrong.” They are probably fools for not noticing that you have grown up and can make your own decisions. Raising you has been a life long career for them. Your life’s vigil began at the day of your birth and it is hard to quit being vigilant over the ones you love.
But maybe your friends and your therapists are right. Your parents have become toxic and they are not safe to have around anymore. You need to establish boundaries to protect yourself from these people who are really not worth the trouble they cause you. After all, they are just the losers who crawled into your beds and held you when you were sick. They were the ones who patiently taught you how to pronounce every letter of the alphabet and who rejoiced to hear you read your first book. They were the ones who introduced you to the world around you and taught you to love the lakes and the oceans and mountains and trees and all the little creatures that grace our earth.
They were the ones who came running when you cried out in the dark of night and stayed with you night after night until the nightmares went away. They were the ones by your hospital bed when you had surgery — refusing to go home even though they were dying for a good night’s sleep. They played ridiculously silly games with you in the car to distract you on long road trips. They made sure you ate healthy food and gave you the best education they could afford. They attended every sports event and recital and were over-excited about every award you were ever given. They helped you pick out your prom clothes and stayed awake until you came home in the wee hours of the morning. They cried the day you left for college, but they would never tell you that.
They fumbled plenty. They were oblivious to your broken heart. They misunderstood you from time to time. They hurt your feelings a time or two. When you look at them, all you see is failure. But when they look at you, in spite of all your failures, what they see is their whole world. Maybe they will never understand you. Maybe as they age, they are more trouble than they are worth. Only you can decide that.
But before you make that critical decision, you should know that every person who ever lived has been in your shoes. We all had parents who disappointed us from time to time. We were all unhappy about a lot of things growing up. We didn’t always agree with our parents about everything. Sometimes we didn't agree about anything. The difference is that we didn’t feel entitled to perfect parents. We didn’t have to escape to our safe space, because deep down we knew that they were our safe space. We knew that they would always be the ones who had our backs no matter what our differences might be. They would never have abandoned us and we did not abandon them. And we have no regrets about that.
